Research suggests that overtime perfectionism has increased, partially due to the “latchkey kid” generation growing up as helicopter parents in response to the subtle (and sometimes obvious) neglect of their own childhood. Think about it, the children of the no seatbelt, smoking in cars, no help with homework, home alone generation now have their own children and they recall their feelings of fear. Of course, it wasn’t acceptable to express fear at the time because neglect was a cultural norm. However, the 80’s babies can likely recall situations where they vowed “when I grow up, I will never let this happen to my child”. And there lies the origin of the extreme perfectionist. The adult latch key kids vowed to be different from their parents, became perfectionists, then raised their children under a microscope and inadvertently shaped today’s overachievers.

What do you think of when you hear the term “perfectionist”? Some think of rigidity, predictability, order, and even success. However, the underlying reason for perfectionist tendencies include an intense fear of failure, the need for approval and subconscious shame. Unchecked perfectionism can have serious emotional consequences that lead to anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, and a host of addictions.

Because of their ability to get things accomplished, perfectionists are often praised and their destructive behaviors are inadvertently reinforced. However, this actually reinforces the internal belief that “I am not good enough unless I meet these rigid standards of success”. Perfectionism comes with a constant inner critic, over responsibility, and discounting painful emotions or past trauma. Perfectionists are always there for others but share very little of who they really are and what problems they might have. It can be a lonely place and perfectionists are good at many things including hiding pain. If this is you, it’s ok to talk to a professional about your pain and discuss subtle ways to decrease the volume of your shameful inner self critic voice. If you know someone who is a perfectionist, praise them for who they are, not for tangible things. Release your expectations of them and make room for them to be comfortable with practicality and normalcy. After all, as said by Dr. Ben Michaelis, ‘perfectionism is to success as oyster sauce is to delicious fudge brownies’.